Three Steps to a Healthy, Happy, Partnered Life

read the full article at Three Steps to a Healthy, Happy, Partnered Life (gottman.com)

Fight fairly

It is OK and expected to have conflict in relationships. The key is to get through the conflict without damaging the relationship. Here are two different frameworks to arrive at fair fighting.

The first framework is to look at your past. Have you had a successful conflict? What made it successful? Did you have it while on a hike when you were both relaxed? Did you reach a resolution and make a plan to follow up a few days later? If there’s some specific context that made the conflict successful, try to replicate that.

If you can’t think of a fight from your past to emulate, the next framework is to learn some techniques for fair fighting.

• Reframe the goal of conflict. It should not be to persuade or force the other person into something. Your goal should be twofold: (1) listen for understanding, and (2) speak so that you can be heard. You want to understand your partner fully, and you want your partner to fully understand you. Only then can you attempt to move through the conflict.

• Use a softened startup. Think of the alternative in these comparisons.

Harsh Startup Softened Startup“Your cooking is so boring.”“I enjoy eating Thai food so much. Could we experiment in the kitchen and add some of those flavors?”“You never remember my birthday.”“Honey, my birthday is coming up next week and I want to do something special with you.

The main problem with a harsh startup is that it prevents your partner from listening to your feelings and your perspective. A soft startup to a conflict discussion is critical to its success.

• Soothe yourself and your partner. Feeling heated in an argument? That’s a natural response, but that state of “flooding” can inhibit quality listening and problem-solving. So, when conflict feels too heated, suggest a break, take some deep breaths and return to the conflict when you are both feeling calmer.